This beautiful yet cruel world
by hikachu
Summary: Only children are capable of opening their hearts to something like an Eva, was what Byron told him once, when Chris had just joined Nerv. Evangelion AU. Dilateshipping. Inspired by Motolokiev's art!


"Good job, everyone," Chris clapped his hands once. "That's enough for today."

A collective sigh rose from the operators in the control room. Lively chatter broke the silence in a quick crescendo. The whirring noise of printers spitting out the last bits of data mixed with laughter, more sighs, cheerful invites to lunch and bones popping as someone arched their back and someone else cracked their knuckles.

Chris stood still, watching diagrams on computer screens fade to black with a neutral expression. Today too, Kaito's synchronization rate had been above average. It never seemed to drop, not even now that he was nearing his eighteenth birthday and it wasn't rare for pilots to become useless way before their sixteenth.

Only children are capable of opening their hearts to something like an Eva, was what Byron told him once, when Chris had just joined Nerv. Adults are too jaded; they have already been beaten down by life too many times, to believe themselves able to bring about salvation for mankind.

Back then, Chris had been the Fifth Child, and his father's words had meant nothing more than responsibility, hard work, and the honor of being trusted with such a task.

His career as a pilot was a short one, however, and it gave Nerv just enough time to test out their very first prototype. When Byron disappeared and he was asked to stay as the only one left with enough knowledge of the Magi's workings, Chris knew he didn't have much choice, because soon it would be Thomas' turn.

Thomas, who out of sheer will, anger and bitterness became the other prodigy, the other exception to the rule along with Kaito.

Chris wondered if only having their bodies consumed by the Evas would stop these children. He wondered if he could find the answers he was seeking before it happened. If there were words, or a plea, that he could use to quench the fire that kept burning their hearts away and pushed them on and on, blindly.

But deep down Chris also knew, that finding the truth required time, and that time needed to be bought. At a high price, in this case.

Through the glass panels, he watched Kaito jump out of the cockpit and onto his Eva's hand to land on the bridge with another leap. The plugsuit made him look thinner, younger, frail—the child he had never been allowed to be.

He sprinted into the room and, in between pants, asked the usual, "How did I do today?"

"Great, of course. You work hard and have a natural talent for this. When I was the Fifth Child, my sync rate was barely good enough to start up the Eva," chuckling, Chris tapped his finger against the _05_ emblazoned where Kaito's clavicles met, right below his slender throat. "It seems I am better suited to boring theoretics and paperwork."

"Don't say that," Kaito's tone was loaded with indignation, as if Chris had insulted his own accomplishments. "You brought so many improvements to the system and, actually, I was wondering if I could help with the new project though, oh, first you'll need to explain me how to—"

A pink cheeked, bright eyed expression of excitement broke over his features, as it always did whenever they discussed equations and formulas. It made Chris _look_, it made him forget to listen. It made him picture a white lab coat draped over Kaito's still narrow shoulders; the endless, restless nights spent thinking and discussing over blueprints and cups of tea after midnight, a well-deserved break to complain about deadlines.

It was the portrait of a life where he wouldn't need to worry about losing another important person, and a life where he wasn't alone anymore.

It was a beautiful dream and also a nightmare, because if Kaito stopped piloting now, surely, something terrible would happen.

About a month before, Rio Kamishiro's Eva went berserk during a battle simulation, and Thomas, who had been ordered to stop it, did so but with dire consequences: the girl was in a deep coma, and nobody knew when or if she would wake. The causes of the accident were still largely unknown.

Her twin Ryouga had survived the ordeal with a dislocated shoulder, a broken arm and three severely cracked ribs in an attempt to extract Rio's entry plug before Thomas reached them. Currently, he was forbidden to pilot until his ribs were healed: the doctor feared that excessive strain during combat could potentially break them for good, and a pilot with punctured lungs was a dead pilot, and useful to no one.

The situation being what it was, there was no doubt that if they lost another pilot, the Marduk Institute would get their hands on Mihael, Chris knew that.

How long could strong but kind Mihael last, in that world? Kaito, on the other hand, had someone to fight for and knew how to close off his heart when needed. He was someone who would survive for a long, long time; perhaps even until the end of everything. Moreover – and above all – Kaito wasn't family. He wasn't one of the siblings Chris had sworn to protect, no matter how much he wished he were at times.

"Chris...?"

He blinked, and found that his fingertips were still pressed against Kaito's chest. He stepped back.

"Oh, sorry."

Kaito shook his head.

"It's alright," he muttered, eyes fixed on the floor.

Something about that odd bashfulness made Chris want to increase the distance between them, but a warm hand touched his, and he found himself unable to move away.

"L, Listen," Kaito raised his head. His face was pink. "If you don't mind, there is something I need to t—"

"Unfortunately I'm very busy, today."

Kaito's mouth opened and closed a few times. His eyes were wide. He was desperately trying to smile a polite smile to save them both from complete, crushing embarrassment. Chris wished he could be brave enough to tell him it didn't matter, that he didn't need to force himself, because he wasn't worth it and was aware that his own smile was just a grimace.

Finally, Kaito left the room with a quiet, I'll see you tomorrow.

There was a part of Chris that wished to reach out, to stop him, to let him talk and listen, but the thought of Thomas, whom he had already betrayed, and young, sweet Mihael made his limbs heavy.

He remained still, watching Kaito's back grow smaller and smaller and disappear down the hallway.


End file.
